Thursday, April 05, 2007
Messed Up
Those two words up there that you can see? The title of this post? Those would pretty much sum up how I've been feeling for the past few days in general.It wouldn't be right to say I've been feeling emotionally crap and messed up all the time, because that hasn't been the case at all. I've been generally happy, been having fun...but then the day draws to a close...and I'm back to feeling crap. Maybe it's the lethargy setting in...we've been so lazy recently - not bloody doing any work, just sitting around and walking around the campus like we have no sheets pending...no work at all. Lethargy has this irritating way of making you feel crappier when you're already feeling sort of down in the dumps.
Odd as it may be, I've always been someone that got what they've wanted, most of the time, anyway. And I've never really had to ask for whatever it is I've wanted. It isn't that I've been spoilt by anyone. It's just the opposite, really. I've never wanted to ask for anything. Whatever it is I want, comes my way, somehow or the other...sooner or later. That's how it's always been. That's how it will stay, mostly, because I know somehow, innately, that that's the way it's meant to be for me.
This time around, however, I wonder if maybe I reached too far...wanted too much...if I want too much. It feels like I'm extending out my hand as far as possible, and yet, I'm getting nothing at the other end...like I'm trying to grab at something that doesn't even exist. Every time I think there's hope for what I'm reaching for...something comes along to show me that there isn't. There is hope. Except it only extends so far. But not as far as I would like it to. And the finality of realising that my hopes and dreams are probably going nowhere is starting to set in. I don't like it. But then who does.
And then yet again I think, that it's not fair, how for once, I want something really, really, really badly...and I can't get it. No matter how hard I try. Sniffle.
By nature, I'm someone who relies on hopes and dreams to carry me through, and I'm so afraid that not getting these particular dreams fulfilled, is going to ruin my ability to dream so much. But maybe I've got to face this, maybe it'll be good for me. And maybe, for all I know, there is some probability of what I'm hoping for to happen...but in the background, I still am aware that there is the probability it won't as well. And it's good that I've reached at least this stage, where I can hope, but I know there isn't much to hope for. The possibility of my getting hurt is less.
Let's just hope this all ends well.
And I can't stop feeling
And if you let me try tonight
You just might see that I'm
Falling deeper and deeper and deeper in love
And I'm feeling more and more and more and more and more alone
Every simple notion is poetry in motion
Can't you see it's pushing me over the edge
This wrecking ball you're holding
Could crush the heart you've stolen
I give you my devotion all over again
And if you let me try tonight you just might see that I'm
Falling deeper and deeper and deeper in love
And I'm feelin' more and more and more and more and more alone
- 'Deeper' by 'Hanson'
posted by Paddy at 1:22 AM
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