It wouldn't be right to say I've been feeling emotionally crap and messed up all the time, because that hasn't been the case at all. I've been generally happy, been having fun...but then the day draws to a close...and I'm back to feeling crap. Maybe it's the lethargy setting in...we've been so lazy recently - not bloody doing any work, just sitting around and walking around the campus like we have no sheets pending...no work at all. Lethargy has this irritating way of making you feel crappier when you're already feeling sort of down in the dumps.
Odd as it may be, I've always been someone that got what they've wanted, most of the time, anyway. And I've never really had to ask for whatever it is I've wanted. It isn't that I've been spoilt by anyone. It's just the opposite, really. I've never wanted to ask for anything. Whatever it is I want, comes my way, somehow or the other...sooner or later. That's how it's always been. That's how it will stay, mostly, because I know somehow, innately, that that's the way it's meant to be for me.
This time around, however, I wonder if maybe I reached too far...wanted too much...if I want too much. It feels like I'm extending out my hand as far as possible, and yet, I'm getting nothing at the other end...like I'm trying to grab at something that doesn't even exist. Every time I think there's hope for what I'm reaching for...something comes along to show me that there isn't. There is hope. Except it only extends so far. But not as far as I would like it to. And the finality of realising that my hopes and dreams are probably going nowhere is starting to set in. I don't like it. But then who does.
And then yet again I think, that it's not fair, how for once, I want something really, really, really badly...and I can't get it. No matter how hard I try. Sniffle.
By nature, I'm someone who relies on hopes and dreams to carry me through, and I'm so afraid that not getting these particular dreams fulfilled, is going to ruin my ability to dream so much. But maybe I've got to face this, maybe it'll be good for me. And maybe, for all I know, there is some probability of what I'm hoping for to happen...but in the background, I still am aware that there is the probability it won't as well. And it's good that I've reached at least this stage, where I can hope, but I know there isn't much to hope for. The possibility of my getting hurt is less.
Let's just hope this all ends well.
And I can't stop feeling
And if you let me try tonight
You just might see that I'm
Falling deeper and deeper and deeper in love
And I'm feeling more and more and more and more and more alone
Every simple notion is poetry in motion
Can't you see it's pushing me over the edge
This wrecking ball you're holding
Could crush the heart you've stolen
I give you my devotion all over again
And if you let me try tonight you just might see that I'm
Falling deeper and deeper and deeper in love
And I'm feelin' more and more and more and more and more alone
- 'Deeper' by 'Hanson'
posted by Paddy at 1:22 AM
-
said:
ah well .... i know how you feel ..... thing is i've never had it that way ... it was like if i think something's good then it'll turn out that its too good for me to have it ... this is the n th time for me .... *sigh* ...
- 1:20 AM
-
Paddy said:
I've mostly...had it good...like I've said. So...it ain't pretty when it doesn't go good.
- 1:34 AM
-
sukanya said:
Ahem. Sorry for the late arrival..
i love the way you've written it :)
and i know what you mean about feeling crappy. its been happening more than usual over the last 2-3 days..- 8:06 PM
-
Paddy said:
Aw hehe...it'll get better. The crappy feeling doesn't last too long. Just try cheering up by doing other stuff that makes you happy.
And I like how I've written it too...somehow it's perfect. =D Didn't think I'd manage to get it down this well.- 3:28 AM
-
sukanya said:
i rate it as among the bestest ever :D
oh and now i don't feel absolute crap. hee.
yay.
then again the monthly phone bill hasn't come yet :D- 7:45 PM
-
Paddy said:
Really? You'd rate it that highly?
Not that I don't think it's good...maybe I'm just not too happy about the fact that I've been so open about something like this on my blog.
Yay for not feeling absolute crap. =D
LOL. And you should stop calling me so much, child. =P
Not that I mind the calling...miss talking to ya out here. *pout* =) But you already knew that. =)- 5:24 AM
-
sukanya said:
oh i'm just making up for the fact that i won't be calling you ALL of june AND juky =P
oh and even i kinda detest the fact that the old blog posts were so OPEN!!- 7:53 PM
-
Paddy said:
LOL...does that mean we won't be talking at all =P or that I'll be doing all the calling?? =P
Yeah, I know the feeling. But I'm always really proud of whatever I post up...so it's a mixed feeling, really.- 1:05 PM
-
sukanya said:
just that i can't make any outstation calls :P
Sigh. My iPod has hung itself. I feel lost.
I shall go weep now. buhbye!!- 10:08 AM
-
Paddy said:
LOL. I see I see.
Aw stupid thing...must not hang must not hang. *pats your head*
Best of luck for the exams btw!! =)- 12:02 AM
-
G said:
I'm bleeding late.. but hope you're all better now.. life sucks now and then, but it always picks up :)
- 5:33 PM
-
Paddy said:
Yup. Much better now. =)
- 12:54 AM
-
said:
+1 @ intro paragraph.
- 10:42 PM
-
Paddy said:
Aw...tankooness! =)
- 11:00 PM
-
said:
very nice post paddy waddy :P :)
u've described the emotion so effortlessly.. strikes a chord..
its something we all are/ have/ will go through i guess.. thank u for sharing :)- 1:00 AM
